I was reminded of a post I’ve been meaning to write when I saw the drawing below.
War on Women by Lisa Donnelly found at https://medium.com/marchrootsissue1/war-on-women-9d77b75f205a
It’s the truth. Women spend a lot of time talking about our oppression, glass ceilings our male allies (and whether we need/want them, or whether that’s a false narrative), our opportunities, how to amplify each other…
And sometimes we march, call Congress, gather together, present, write, and call for action. We gather in real life and on social media, we say #metoo and wear black.
And all of this is critically important, don’t get me wrong. These points of action are vital and need to continue.
Where I think we miss is in the every day. Women ask and expect to be supported by male allies, but we fail to take care of ourselves, and we are pretty terrible at being allies to one another.
I’m a pretty assertive person, some might even say more than assertive. But several incidents have stuck in my head from the last year or so where I could have and maybe should have done better at asserting for myself, and asserting for other women. I’ll share two — please excuse their length.
Asserting for myself: I am a technology manger and part of the core team on a technology project (a common role for me). For context, I work for a women’s college of liberal reputation and the vendors are well aware of that before arriving. During the selection process, one vendor brought an engineer that was a challenge. Before the meeting even began, he had already flatly refused to enter two doorways before me and had made several borderline comments meant (in his mind) to show his respect for me as a woman, but actually fairly offensive. I later described him to a colleague as “southern in all the wrong ways.”
During the course of the demonstration, I asked many questions, and he directed all of the answers to the only male colleague in the room. At one point, he and his colleagues asked me if my husband would buy me my new smartphone. Note: this has never, ever happened, nor do I need it to. I did push back on this, but allowed the conversation to be laughed off. When we walked out at the end of the meeting, my male peer was fuming and asked me why I hadn’t “taken that guys head clean off his shoulders.” My response was that I had determined in the first 5 minutes that I didn’t have the time to re-educate him and I was just going to get through the meeting. Upon further reflection, I came to the conclusion that the behavior just hadn’t bothered me as much because 1) I was used to having to fight to be heard and I didn’t find his behavior that unusual, and 2) I was well aware that the other reps with him saw nothing wrong with his behavior.
Later in our process, it became clear that the vendor would be returning and intended to bring the same SE. I sent an email to the sales rep, which read (in part):
You need to ensure the team is aware that this is a women’s college of distinctly liberal and feminist reputation. Some of our technologists (myself included) and many of the attendees will be women.
I call this out because a major part of the internal debrief when we last met was that, while the product was compelling, *all* of our attendees had observed/perceived that though women asked most of the questions, most of the answers from the engineer were directed at the only [institution] male in the room. Of the 8 vendors we saw, this was the only meeting where the group felt this way.
We don’t believe this was conscious or intentional, however I must be crystal clear that our community has very little tolerance for displays of gender inequality. If the same kind of interactions are observed during this meeting, it will easily be grounds for you losing this sale. I apologize for my frankness, but I thought it was important to flag this issue for you.
The vendor’s response was to bring the engineer in question, but to add a female manager to the lineup of suits. While the engineer did try to modify his behavior, it was clear to me that while he had been spoken to, the feedback made no sense to him. Later conversations with the female manager (no longer with this vendor) indicated she saw exactly what we referenced, but made no headway with her colleagues who thought the engineer’s behavior was “charming.”
Should we have allowed this meeting to go forward? Should we have allowed ourselves to continue with the vendor? It’s a tough call because they had a really good product for us. We ended up moving forward, but having the individual removed from the account. However in retrospect, I should have asserted for myself (and my female colleagues) on a more serious level throughout.
Supporting Others: This one really sticks in my mind because I truly wish I had acted differently.
I was in a minor car accident and had the insurance adjustor meet me at the body shop. He and I had just come to my car and were starting a conversation about the accident when he grabbed a female employee of the bodyshop by the arms, kissed her forehead, and released her. He then explained he’d trained her in the business and she was like a daughter. It bothered me, and I saw the client she had been walking with look askance at the interaction. However, I basically looked at him and said “y’know, it’s kind of weird, but if that’s what y’all do…”
Throughout the 1 hour I was in the offices, I saw him interact with her several more times, and in each interaction, he was clearly acting with some affection, but everything he did was undermining her. He seemed to want her to take care of anything he needed done regardless of if the work was assigned to a colleague, and seemed to expect her attention/special treatment based on their relationship. It also became clear that she was both very accustomed to this, and quietly frustrated by it. Yet it clearly seemed as if he was in a power position where she was not comfortable telling him to knock it off. In my observation she was one of the most competent and senior people in the large shop, but his behavior regularly undermined her by treating her as less.
And I said nothing. Why? It seemed not to be my business. I don’t know her, I don’t know him. I don’t want to make trouble for her. Also, he was the adjustor on my claim and could easily have made my life harder as well. But was staying silent worth it? In hindsight I should have spoken.
Now, do I think that if I had said to him that he was undermining her to clients and co-workers, and probably her boss — if I had said that he never would have done these things to a man he trained — do I think he would have understood or come to agree? I’m pretty sure he would not have. I think he would have said it was me who didn’t understand. But I’ll never know because I didn’t say.
My promise: next time I will, and the consequences be damned.
As women we know we’re strong. We know we’re capable. And we know the women around us are as well. But sometimes we don’t own that. And as women we are more likely to either destroy each other, or silently allow damage to occur than to make things right. For myself, I’m drawing a line. I already try to support the women who work for and around me, and the women in my life. I try to be a door opener for everyone whose work I respect regardless of their demographics.
But I’m not going to quietly stand for these things any more. I won’t yell and scream, but neither will I accept. When someone asks me what I did in the “war on women”, I want my answer to be that I stood up, that I did not back down, and that I expected fairness and equality and to be treated as a capable professional and I supported the women around me and did not allow them to be ignored, overlooked, or subtly abused. And yes, I will continue to call and write my congresspeople, to vote and encourage candidates who support these views, and write, and take part in orgs that support equality, diversity, and the strength of women. But I will expect better, and live beyond my comfort zone.