And here I am, writing a post in the middle of the night because my brain already wrote it and I need to get it out.

A conversation with a friend today got me thinking heavy thoughts about respect and responsibility.

Respect

Let’s start here: for me, respect is earned. Society teaches us we should respect certain people and positions, for example:

  • Parents
  • Elders – due to their wisdom and lived experience
  • Religious leaders (usually of one’s own and compatible religions)
  • One’s supervisor/manager/job-related hierarchy
  • Political leaders (this one varies)
  • Other notable figures who are said to have contributed to society and history
  • Highly successful people

We also are told to “show respect” during certain kinds of events, usually those with some kind of significance or ceremony to them, whether religious, patriotic, or in some other way “serious.”

In reality, these are less about actual respect than:

  • Authority (or sometimes control)
  • Courtesy
  • Recognition of acts

For the sake of argument let’s use the definition Oxford Languages provides to Google:

Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more

re·spect

/rəˈspek(t)/

noun

noun: respect; plural noun: respects

  1. a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.”the director had a lot of respect for Douglas as an actor”
    • the state of being admired or respected.”his first chance in over fifteen years to regain respect in the business”
    • a person’s polite greetings.”give my respects to your parents”
  2. due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.”young people’s lack of respect for their parents”
  3. a particular aspect, point, or detail.”the findings in this respect have been mixed”

verb

verb: respect; 3rd person present: respects; past tense: respected; past participle: respected; gerund or present participle: respecting

  1. admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.”she was respected by everyone she worked with”
    • have due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of.”I respected his views”
    • avoid harming or interfering with.”it is incumbent upon all boaters to respect the environment”
    • agree to recognize and abide by (a legal requirement).”he urged all foreign nationals to respect the laws of their country of residence”

So in reality, we are being told to provide a level of courtesy and deference to certain individuals or positions with or without the feeling of admiration (respect) being evoked. “Due regard” is an interesting phrase because it once again reinforces the societal *assumption* of tradition, feelings, or wishes which may not be your own as deserving of respect.

What makes that regard “due?” In a lot of cases it’s societal or cultural expectation. But at what juncture might that societal expectation be reinforcing inequity, bias, or privilege? At what juncture might you be asked to “show respect” for things you wholly disagree with? In my experience and observation, pretty often.

Here’s what actually earns my true respect:

  • Integrity
  • Authenticity
  • Kindness
  • Skill or knowledge, applied and shared
  • Interest and capability in learning and bettering oneself
  • Leadership qualities that are actually shown to benefit the people you lead
  • Sharing insight or wisdom that makes the world better

Here’s what doesn’t:

  • Being richer
  • Having more degrees
  • Having a title or role
  • Hoarding information or gatekeeping
  • Acting or speaking in judgmental and hypocritical ways
  • Looking or behaving like a societal expectation of a particular role
  • Treating other people as less, regardless of why

I’m sure I’m missing something here, but all of my answers are along these lines.

Which brings me to…

Responsibility

We are told our societal “responsibility” is to treat people and situations defined by norms “respectfully.” But what is typically implied is more than mere courtesy or politeness. One is expected to treat that person or event with the regard that others around you have for it, whether you have that same regard. And what does that mean?

Sometimes it means “behave.” Be quiet. Hold your tongue. Don’t cause upset. Conform.

And there is a way where this is ok, and a way in which its not.

We are told we need to respect roles, traditions, situations. Dress a certain way, comport ourselves is a certain way – whether in a professional setting, family, religious, formal, whatever. But what about respecting ourselves and our viewpoint?

Respect your parents, your elders. Does that extend to them espousing casual racism and misogyny at a family event? Do we take that quietly and “behave” — we’re often taught so, women in particular. Personally, keeping my mouth shut has never been my gift in these situations, but I have often been told I am being “disrespectful” and “causing conflict.”

Respect religious leaders. Even if they are preaching hate? Even if they are abusing people in their community? Even if they are indulging in politics from the pulpit?

Respect the leaders at your job. Even if they are showing a lack of integrity? Even if they are acting in a way which shows that they don’t respect their clients or the people in their organization?

Now…some of these things are easier than others, and depending who you are your milage may vary. Family can be complicated, and emotional connection can be all caught up in it. Nobody wants to cause harm to someone they love. You might not respect your organizational leaders, but you might not be in a position where you can afford to walk. I’m not saying the math is simple or that my answer is yours.

What I’m saying is this — we have been taught that respectful means sit down and shut up. What if it doesn’t? What if respecting tradition isn’t more important than respecting yourself and your own authenticity and integrity? And you’re saying “of course, I would never compromise my own…”

But we do, all the time. We reinforce privilege, injustice, poor treatment, toxic ideas, and casual hate by our silence. Now, you might be a rare person who doesn’t do that, but before you claim that look damn close.

What brought this on? I’m going to a family funeral this week with family members with whom…let’s just say I don’t agree. We are different ends of the American cultural spectrum. And I was talking about not starting fights at funerals and not wanting to upset my father (who for the record, while imperfect, is an amazingly loving and accepting person despite his subculture and is willing to hear other perspectives and learn). Now, I have been absolutely taught funerals are not places for fights, and certainly I shut down a few at my own mother’s funeral because they were arguments made of bullshit and purposeless drama and they pissed me off. And, my da doesn’t like conflict on his best day. I’m not going to this event for me, I’m going for him.

I am expected to behave within my assigned gender role, pretend to participate in the religious ceremony even if I’m faking, dress appropriately, speak softly, and make no waves. Now, as previously mentioned…never been something I’m great at.

The (smart and insightful) friend I was talking to said a couple of things that were good reminders and set me on this path. “You don’t owe anyone silence in the face of ignorance.” and “If people say hateful shit, and no one checks them, you check them. Anyone else’s feelings about that aren’t your problem.”

So what is my *responsibility* here? I need to have a certain amount of care for my da — I don’t wholly believe his feelings are not my problem – in one sense every person is responsible for their own, and in another sense, this is a highly emotionally charged event for him and he’s a person I love. And. That does not mean I need to let hatefulness and casual bias go without comment. It doesn’t mean I need to sit and listen while this grates on my soul. I do not need to “respect” my elders and the event so much that I disrespect myself and what I know is right by being silent.

I wish I could say I’d never done that. I wish I could say I had never bitten my tongue rather than cause conflict. I wish I could say I had never been complicit due to my silence. I’ve opened my mouth more often than I’ve kept it closed, but I can’t say I have not done it. But we live and learn.

My responsibility is not to be silent for false-respect. My responsibility is to say something — not punch people, or start screaming, or treat people badly — but to challenge assumptions. Sometimes this will do nothing. But the cost of silence is too high. Too many of us are silent and it allows people with toxic beliefs to think they are in a comfortable and unchallenged majority.